#78: The Loop
Finding one's own rhythm among the frantic pace of an otherwise mundane life
Currently listening to: The Loop by Toro y Moi
Hello, friend.
Do you ever feel out of the loop?
You missed a new record—Netflix show, pop culture moment, Instagram meme—that all your friends are talking about. Suddenly, you’re alone in a crowd, disconnected, bereft. You feel foreign and uncomfortable, desperately wanting to reclaim your place among those in the know.
Or maybe you feel caught up inside the endless motion of a loop.
Your weeks are passing like trees outside a moving train’s window. Day in, day out, you’re always headed somewhere, but its rarely somewhere new. You’re on schedule and on the clock. You’re a little too tuned in, only breaking up the monotony with vicarious consumption (doomscrolling, an episode of something before bedtime).
“If you don’t stop and look around once in a while…”
I think about this old Ferris Bueller quote a lot. It’s about being present, of course, taking in every moment a little more deeply than our default state allows. But the “you could miss it” part is what sticks with me, scares me a bit.
Thinking back on my life that has already passed, I notice voids—periods of time when my memory has failed to capture any kind of footage or feeling. No files found. How many moments do we lose to the bold arrow of time as it flies forward toward forever?
I know (I hope) that I have plenty of life left ahead of me. Some of you may be reading these words from a 28 year old and scoffing a bit, imploring me to realize how much time is still theoretically ahead of me.
Ironically, the thought of so much life left to live can seem to speed life along in my head. Perhaps I’m also spending too much time dipping into imagined futures, but what can at times overwhelm me is the gratitude I feel for the present moment.
Last night, I spent a couple of hours with my wife just talking, relaxing, introspecting. Moments passed slowly, but as they did, my emotions swelled out of me.
“I never want this to end,” I pleaded, tears flooding sideways down my face toward my pillow.
And it’s true—loving someone so deeply, being so at peace, feeling so grateful for this life I have… I can’t help but sometimes pre-grieve its passing, just knowing it will end one way or another.
It’s no way to live, staying stuck in that mindset of living out the grief of significant endings before their time. I made it back to the moment and embraced it, embraced her, embraced the gravity keeping my body tethered to the bed beneath it.
Now, as I write this letter to you—issue #78—I think back over the loops I’ve been living in. There’s a sacredness to this weekly practice in which I spend some time asking myself questions, observing the present moment, taking stock of the things and loved ones in my life. But there is, also, sometimes, an expectation, a preconceived future, a recurring moment at which I’m waiting to arrive so that I can start over again.
If there must be a bold arrow of time that only flies one direction, despite the memories that do hold true in my mind, maybe its the monotony and mundanity that will get to me at the end of it all.
All along, I think that’s what I’ve been searching for, writing these letters to you. A spark of the extraordinary. That’s what music and art can provide—proof of people doing things differently. Our shared acknowledgement of this proof helps to remind me that the loops in my life are more like figure eights, or even the seed of life, than hamster wheels. And we can explore all the space inside the loop too.
As this loop starts anew, on this Friday morning, for me and for you, let’s look for ways to walk forward at our own pace. Though we may not be in control of the motion of the universe, we are in control of our eyes and our ears, as well as our hands and our feet. Today, we use them all to do something new, to go somewhere new, to create new loops—and to break free from them.
***
Some more listening inspired by loops:
The Living Music List
Hello again, friend. Happy Friday the 13th! And happy almost Valentine’s Day. <3
How lucky are we feeling today? I personally think that whole bad luck thing is a myth because look at all of this great new music to explore today? Seems to me like luck is on our side.
Happy listening.
Chalybeate by aus + the humble bee (album / field recordings, meditative) [FLAU]
Originally made for an installation involving onsen (Japanese hot springs), I am dreaming of steeping myself in a hot bath and listening to the tape-etched recordings and delicate tones heard on Chalybeate.
Seeing Is Forgetting by Elori Saxl & Henry Solomon (album / ambient jazz, melodic) [True Panther]
While saxophone is almost always a cheat code for hooking me on a record, it’s the gentle nature with which it is played—and complemented by Saxl’s synth melodies—that makes this record special.
How to Make Sense of Downtime by Wil Bolton & David Cordero (album / minimalist, drone) [Home Normal]^
Light, airy, warm—an album that really resonated with me given this week’s reflection. Listening to it is certainly an ideal way to spend some downtime, and to shape the space needed to make sense of it.
Kin by KMRU (album / drone) [Editions Mego]
Few artists who primarily work in the realm of drone make music as identifiable as KMRU. There’s just something so singular about the textures and emotions behind his pieces that strike me to my core every time I hear them. One other artist who comes to mind is Christian Fennesz, who happens to be featured on track 2.
Ambientes 2009 by Ismael Pinkler (EP / noise, experimental) [Affin]
Like an underground colony of biomechanical insects, these electronic sounds take form as any variety of collective life in motion—a form that is wholly dependent on the ears that hear them and the imagination to which those ears are connected.
Wuthering Heights by Charli XCX (album / pop) [Atlantic]
Charli’s companion album to the new Emerald Fennell film is finally here in full. I’ll hold my thoughts on the film (seeing it tonight), but everything I’ve heard of the album—from House featuring John Cale’s haunting spoken word and Charli’s electronically processed screams (I think I’m gonna die in this hoooouuseeeee) to the reverb-soaked vocal interlude track of Open Up—has me feeling ready for Valentine’s Day weekend.
Enema of the Garden State by Madi Diaz (covers album / folk pop) [Anti- Records]
Madi Diaz lends her uniquely emotive voice to covering Blink 182’s 1999 album Enema of the State, doing so in a way that often manifests as a tender sadness. All Bandcamp proceeds support Defending Our Neighbors Fund. (P.S. New Jersey represent).
Piss In The Wind by Joji (album / pop, lofi hip hop) [Palace Creek]
God, the melancholy that Joji is capable of conveying is just in a league of its own. This record is not Joji’s strongest work—this is definitely a case of needing to cut, given that there are far too many forgettable beats and lines—but there are few highs that hit for me (Last of a Dying Breed, Past Won’t Leave My Bed).
Hive Mind (feat. Denzel Curry) by Knocked Loose (single / metal) [Pure Noise Records]
Ever since I saw Denzel Curry cover Rage Against the Machine’s Bulls On Parade, I’ve been in severe need of more heavy Curry. Like I mentioned—good luck on this Friday the 13th because we got a collab with Knocked Loose! And goddamn does it go hard. It also unleashes all of the anger I’ve been feeling toward the fascists in this country.
Music List Reminders: Bold and ^ denote reader-submitted work. Bandcamp links provided first when available—if an album is not on Bandcamp, then YouTube or other streaming links are provided. List format: Title by Artist (release type / approximate genre or subgenres) [Label].
That’s all for this week’s issue. Thank you for reading. Until next time. And as Julie Chen Moonves would say at the end of a Big Brother episode, “Love one another.”
Your friend,
Melted Form
Read the previous issue of The Living Music List:
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I've never suffered from FOMO, so I can't fully relate on that front. I've never been one to fall for the zeitgeist of current trends or interests. I won't outright ignore it just because it's the "in thing" at the moment. If it sounds appealing, I'll look into it. But if it's weeks or months before I do, so be it.
The sudden flood of emotion you experienced is a good thing, in my opinion. You talked about being present. You're aware that your current circumstances are good, which means you don't take them for granted.
Regarding your "no files found" problem, you might be a good candidate to consider daily journaling. In a way, you're doing that now with this newsletter/blog. Also, fair warning: as someone about two decades older than you, the problem only gets worse. 😅
thanks for the inclusion!