The Living Music List #9: On Coming of Age

Vulnerability is an artist's superpower, and who's more vulnerable than a 13-year-old kid? Plus, a new Melted Form demo and plenty of new music recommendations.

Read the previous issue of The Living Music List:

The Living Music List #8: On Living at Ease

Currently listening to: Glacial (Demo) by Melted Form

Reflection

Hello, friend.

First things first: I hope you enjoy today’s demo track. It’s called Glacial and it’s a piece I started making this spring, as the world was thawing—or melting, perhaps, as it seems to be doing a lot these days.

I had realized that I was intensely yearning for that frozen feeling of winter to stay while it was fading unusually quickly through March and April, and I yearn for it again now as the summer is slowly winding down and heat wave after heat wave have blasted the US.

Maybe this track will help cool you down a bit, as it’s done for me. Maybe it will even take you back to a time when you appreciated the cold nibbling at the dry skin on your face, the frozen drafts whipping between buildings and trees, when snow days cancelled school and you played out in the fresh powder for hours before coming home bright red and shivering, just to get cozy and watch the world be still out your window. (Can you tell I’m a fan of the colder months?)

Anyways… have you seen any good movies lately?

Elsie Fisher as Kayla in EIGHTH GRADE (2018, dir. Bo Burnham)

I just saw EIGHTH GRADE (2018) for the first time, and in a theater, thanks to it being re-released for one night only by A24. Like today’s track, this film also helped take me back in time—almost by force, with its coming-of-age story about a young, awkward girl named Kayla approaching the end of her middle school years. She navigates middle school society, searching for self-confidence, friendship, and creative purpose amid the whirlwind of early puberty. Oh, and it’s 2017, when the 12- and 13-year-olds like her are experiencing the inundation of smartphones and social media into their daily lives, compelling their developing brains to scroll endlessly, to compare themselves, to feel inadequate, and to be exposed to all the darkness the internet has to offer.

It was an emotional experience watching this film, to say the least. Though I was about 6 years older than Kayla’s eighth grade cohort, I had similar experiences with social media and smartphones growing up and have seen my younger sisters go through the same thing. In fact, I have a sister who’s 12 now, and all I could think about while watching EIGHTH GRADE was how soon she could lose whatever’s left of her precious innocence to the internet and to other children who’ve already gone past the point of no return and seem obliged to bring other sheep out of the pasture.

I can’t think of any period of time more fraught with chaos and upheaval than the 3 years between ages 11 and 14.

EIGHTH GRADE (2018)

It was during these 3 years that I became increasingly self-aware and self-conscious about my body, futilely attempting to cover it with my arms when it was more exposed than I wanted, much like Kayla does in the film while at a pool party.

Every day of school meant sitting through hours of class while struggling to focus because I was daydreaming about someone I had a crush on, or replaying uncomfortable social situations in my mind, or just thinking about the most random shit.

Or I was trying to hide my fledgling erections that never wanted to go away. My cheeks burned as a teacher called on me and every word that came out of my mouth felt like ammunition being loaded into imaginary judgment guns brandished by my classmates sitting around me in a firing line just waiting for me to trip up.

It was, simply, a time when anxiety re-emerged in a new way for me, and all the hormones and influences of the social order made everything feel confusing, embarrassing, and impossible.

I think I love coming-of-age films so much because they tend to deliver the most relatable and raw film-watching experiences. All of us adults have been forced to grow up, and the death of our collective innocence is a trauma that probably won’t ever heal completely. Seeing it represented on screen, sometimes elevated by heightened fantasies we wish we’d lived or emotional interactions with parents we never got to have, is one of the most satisfying forms of therapy.

At some point during the process of innocence death, without realizing it, most of us started to feel the urge to express ourselves. To process and release the stressors and fears we were suddenly facing.

These were the beginnings of our lives as artists—or more accurately, the conscious realization of them, since most children have some kind of artistic urges from very early ages. We were growing into ourselves as artists.

Like Kayla, many kids seek to create videos where they, like many adult YouTubers, talk about the world, offer advice, and play the wise sage. Giving advice and help to others can be therapeutic for ourselves, as Kayla demostrates in the film by talking in her videos about topics she personally struggles with—how to be confident, how to make friends, etc.

Other kids around the middle-school ages start to draw more, pick up instruments, or write in their journals. It’s not shocking that we have so many examples of the “angsty” art we tried to make at this stage of our lives—like when some of us created aesthetic collages on Tumblr or wrote extremely on-the-nose poetry.

As we were flooded with new-found consciousness about the world, about our bodies, about our parent’s humanity and problems, we had no choice but to release some of it. To seek validation from others. To feel less alone, because when this first occurs, we felt like we were the only ones making these realizations. Thank god we eventually figured out that we all went through this shit.

I’d like to tap into this era of my life more. Christine (my fiancée) and I reminisced a lot after watching EIGHTH GRADE, trying to stir up memories from our middle-school years before realizing that it was actually really fucking hard to do so. It’s like we went through such a metamorphosis then that our brains didn’t hold on to many specific memories. We were dealing with so much overload—maybe we dumped a lot of good but less significant moments just to survive the process.

We were so vulnerable. We didn’t know better, or, we were just beginning to know. We looked up to those above with such dedication. We trusted. We were ignorant. And then it all came crashing down, but our vulnerability remained.

I think that much of the “angsty” art we made at those ages was actually some of the best art we’ll have ever created in our lifetimes. I believe that because I know we were still so much less jaded, so open, so ready to open our hearts in search of relief and safety. It may not be considered “good” by adult standards, but for us as kids, that shit was so real.

It was like “Look at me. I’m here now. I’ve arrived. I’m ready to offer something, but I’m still figuring out what that is.” That’s a really interesting place to be in as an artist.

So I’ll end this reflection today with some questions for you:

• What was one of your first memories of trying to express yourself during middle school?

• How can we as musicians or artists of any kind reconnect with our middle-school selves to explore the boundary between childhood and adulthood? How can that help us be more vulnerable when making our art and exploring new realms of artistry?

• How can we help the kids going through this right now?

Oh, and one last thing: “Gucci!”

Kayla’s signature video sign-off, “Gucci,” in EIGHTH GRADE (2018)

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Music Recommendations

Hello again, friend.

Thank you for reading today’s post. I hope you enjoyed the reflection and the track—let me know in the comments what you thought of the demo, how you felt about EIGHTH GRADE, and what your own experience coming of age was like.

Now, on to the new music goodness you probably came for.

Happy listening.

The Living Music List—Ambient

Note: All of the below ambient projects are available on Bandcamp.

1. Walking On Pebbles by Mark David Hadley (album / ambient guitar, drone)

2. Music for Hospitals by Sad Graffiti (album / minimalist, drone)

3. New Life Dreaming - 2024 Remaster by Steve Roach (album / space, tribal)

4. Eno: Soft Edges by Brian Eno (EP / ambient piano, minimalist [note: one of 4 EPs that re-released some tracks for the film ENO, edited to shorter lengths, some remastered])

5. The Derelict by Cousin Silas (album / dark ambient, experimental)

6. Let Go Your Fear by Jo Johnson (album / electronic, minimalist)

7. Reminiscence by Rhucle & morimoto naoki (album / field recordings, ambient piano)

8. Cosmic Legacy by Dreamstate Logic (album / space, drone)

9. Ephemeral Maps by Julien Demoulin (album / noise, drone)

10. qavekudaj by sonnov (album / dark ambient, drone)

11. Rotting Popourri by Weeping Key (album / dungeon synth, dark ambient)

12. Eternally Arriving by Kennedy OneSelf (album / meditative, electroacoustic)

13. Lost Time by Scott Lawlor & Ingrid N (album / experimental, meditative)

14. Orozco by Endless Fog (EP / dungeon synth, dark ambient)

15. Skælingar II by Skynbrögð (album / dark ambient, drone)

16. Lacustrine by INVERTED-POPES (album / drone, noise)

17. Vertical Landscapes — Retrospective by deepspace (compilation / drone, space)

18. Realistic IX by Belong (album / noise, post-rock [note: debated if this was ambient enough to be in this part of the list, what do you think?])

The Living Music List—All Genres

Note: All of the below projects are available on major streaming services. Bolding and * denotes reader-submitted work—thank you!

1. robotic feelings by Lunar Ipona (single / electronica)*

2. Flight b741 by King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard (album / rock)

3. This Is How Tomorrow Moves by beabadoobee (album / alternative)

4. Hopeless Youth Group by HYG (album / psych rock)

5. Ultra 85 by Logic (album / hip-hop/rap)

6. Sunday Sadness by Amy Shark (album / indie pop)

7. ORQUÍDEAS PARTE 2 by Kali Uchis (album / neo-soul)

8. Trouble In Paradise by Chlöe (album / R&B/soul)

9. mother :;~ rebirth by Logic1000 (EP / dance)

10. Inter Transit by AceMo (album / electronic)

11. STAMINA by EVAN GIIA (album / electronic)

12. Directions: Meaning & Truth by Jacek Sienkiewicz (album / techno)

13. VII by Kite (album / dance)

14. Speicher 132 by Robag Wruhme (single / dance)

15. Cycles I+II - EP (Mixes) by Aleksi Perälä (EP / electronic)

16. Cosmic Reverie by Johannes Albert (EP / house)

17. nothing by Louis Cole, Metropole Orkest & Jules Buckley (album / orchestral pop [note: almost impossible to pick one genre for this album])

18. SORCS 80 by Thee Oh Sees (album / alt rock)

19. A Decoration by TORRES & Fruit Bats (EP / indie rock)

20. Bird’s Eye by Ravyn Lenae (album / R&B/soul)

21. Oyster Cuts by Quivers (album / alternative)

22. tiny but scary by Juliet Ivy (EP / pop)

23. The Los Angeles League of Musicians by LA LOM (album / instrumental)

24. Beta by Peter Cat Recording Co. (album / alternative)

25. Doobie Mouth (An EP From PawPaw Rod) by PawPaw Rod (EP / alternative)

26. Perak by Thee Marloes (album / R&B/soul)

27. House of the Dragon: Season 2 (Soundtrack from the HBO® Series) by Ramin Djawadi (album / soundtrack)

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In the News

Before I go, here a few recent stories you may enjoy:

• I just discovered that NPR has a podcast called Ambiology (!?) and the show just published it’s 50th episode on 8/4. Ambiology is hosted by Joshua LaBure, a filmmaker and podcaster, and each episode features about an hour-long mix of modern and classic ambient music. I clearly have some archives to sort through!

• Juan Atkins, a techno pioneer, talks to The Guardian about touring in the UK over the years. He’s currently playing at Houghton festival in Norfolk between August 8-11.

• Teenage Engineering have released a new synth called the instrumentalis electronicum that plays medieval-style music. Per Teenage Engineering: “The instrumentalis electronicum is the ultimate, and only, medieval beat machine.” Get ready to hear some fire beats featuring hurdy-gurdies, lutes, and Gregroian chants from the folks over at r/synthesizercirclejerk.

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Thanks again for reading. Until next time.

Your friend,

Melted Form

Remember to listen to the hum, buzz, & hiss of the world around you—there is music to be heard there.

Want to suggest music for me to listen to? Have questions? Leave a comment or email me at meltedform@gmail.com. You can also join my chat on Substack.